Blame the Cookies
by Kagaseo
Summary: Receiving an evil gift from evil people having an evil plan and evil intentions, Naruto starts his journey to become the story's villain with the help of his shoulder devil, Chibi-Kyuubi. The results are... quite predictable. A parody of villain cliches, co-authored by Slayer End. Dead.


_**That's what happen when two people read the Evil Overlord List and decided to make a story about it... don't expect seriousness there. It's mostly a series of parodies of villain cliches. Slayer End and I are co-authoring it. I hope it will work.**_

_**Disclaimer: don't own Naruto, and the Evil Overlord List belongs to all villains.**_

* * *

_**Blame the cookies**_

_**Prologue: Evil Overlord Kit for Beginners**_

"Please sign there, orange eyesore," the mailer snorted, presenting a sheet of paper to the new Genin. "Got a package for you."

"I'm not an eyesore!" Naruto groaned, signing anyway.

"Yes you are," the mailer replied, giving him a package the size of a desk. And he closed the apartment's door to Naruto's own nose.

"Bastard," the Genin cursed loudly, putting the package on his kitchen's table. "I wonder who sent me this…" Opening it, he discovered a huge black box inside, alongside a letter. "Maybe it's a gift for my graduation?" he wondered, beginning to read.

_Dear orange kid,_

_Due to recommendations from one of our members, Tobi "who the hell is he" Uchiha, we, the ruling committee of the Evil Overlord Guild, have decided to offer you membership to our estimated trade union._

_We are absolutely definitively NOT an evil group who plans to take over the world after destroying everything good and nice, but a respectable association supporting all villain wannabes everywhere by giving them all the means to start evil plots. You see, what would be a story without us? We make the plot, unlike those goody two-shoes that just can't stop messing with our cruel and sadis- I mean, our respectable work!_

_Due to having a big demon in your belly, a history of bad behavior, and a solid ruined childhood excusing any act of villainy, you are technically eligible to be an Evil Overlord! Rejoice!_

_What is an Evil Overlord, you wonder? How do we read your mind? Well, we certainly didn't probe your mind beforehand and discovered your hidden sexual fantasies involving ramen, mentally scaring us for life… anyway, an Evil Overlord is the story's big bad guy, the one everyone respects, kicks the Hokage's ass around, and then tries to take over the world! It's a respectable profession._

_As such… the black box is the Evil Overlord Kit for Beginners. It contains everything needed to start building your evil lair, make your own theme song, start your plot to take over the world… and also a membership card. Take it and shout "Chibi" to the whole world, and one of our shoulder devils shall appear and explain you everything in details._

_We hope you will become a full member later on, and slaughter all the good guys after crushing their hopes in a vaguely fox-themed manner,_  
_Horribly yours, waiting in a corner,_  
_The Evil Overlord Guild._

"NICE!" Naruto shouted, opening the box. There was a lot of stuff and sheets of papers, but he quickly found the black membership card. On it, the logo "EOG" and the motto _"Can't spell slaughter without laughter."_

Taking his breath, Naruto smirked. "CHIBI!"

In a puff of smoke, a red, ferocious creature appeared in front of the amazed kid…

…or not…

"What the hell?" Naruto shouted in disappointment. The thing in front of him… was a cute, little red fox with nine tails.

"Finally out of the seal!" The fox chirped. "Well… no power left, but hey, at least I can burn a city or two now! Just need a flamethrower. Fear the wrath… of Chibi-Kyuubi!"

"You're the Kyuubi?" Naruto's jaw dropped.

"In its full glory!" The fox chirped, observing the blonde. "Oh, so you're both my container AND the new Evil Overlord I'm supposed to train? Nice. Now, break the seal and let me escape completely! You will die, but it will be quick!"

" No."

"Well, it was worth a try," Chibi-Kyuubi chuckled. "Anyway, let me explain you the deal: I am your shoulder devil, in charge of your proper evil upbringing. I'm going to turn you into a seriously evil badass, and then I will have you take over the world!" The fox started a long, creepy laugh…

… and stopped once it realized Naruto wasn't following.

"Hey, if you want to be a bad guy, you MUST have an evil laugh!" Kyuubi chirped wrathfully. "Otherwise, you're just a dropout, instead of a cool world-wrecker!"

"Hey, I don't want to be a bad guy," Naruto replied. "I just want to beat Jiji!"

"That's the same thing," Kyuubi shot back. "Only a story's villain is allowed to beat awesome cool old guys, like Obi-wan or Dumbeldore!"

"I don't know who those people _are_."

"You'll learn. And if you don't want to be evil..." Kyuubi gave him a black cookie. "Eat this."

"…you're trying to bribe me with food?"

"Yes. It's a doomy cookie of doomy doom… doom. It contains 666 evil sensations, 108 delectable morsels, and 13 different types of chocolate. No one can resist it."

"It can't be better than ramen," Naruto snorted, eating the cookie. For a moment, there was dead silence.

Kyuubi blinked, "…maybe I should have warned him not to eat the whole thing at once?"

Naruto blinked once… and then it looked as though he'd turned into a firecracker with the amount of energy he exuded. His tongue was on a trip to heaven… or hell… and there was no turning back.

"IT'S SO GOOD!"

His worries for naught, Kyuubi laughed evilly. "Only bad guys can get more. There are even cookies with a special ramen flavor."

"…did I say I didn't want to be evil? Screw that! Just give me the cookies!" His eyes shined… a eureka moment, probably. "Hey, now that I'm a member of the Guild," Naruto said, "I can get as many as I want AND kick jiji's ass, no?"

Kyuubi face palmed. "Okay, first lesson Orange-kun…"

"WHAT THE HELL WITH THE ORANGE?"

"Go ask the guys from 'Code Geass', they found it first. Now… First lesson!" Kyuubi stated raising its paw's finger… digit… thing… "You aren't the bad guy yet. In fact, you aren't a full member yet. The Guild must confirm you're indeed a solid bad guy before certificating you as an Evil Overlord."

Naruto frowned. "What must I do to become a full member?"

"You must fit many criteria. You need to have an evil lair, a group of followers, a goal, and you must succeed with an Evil Plan within the next six months." The Kyuubi laughed. "Otherwise, you will lose the card. But don't worry! As your shoulder devil, I will make sure you graduate as an Evil Overlord."

"Really?"

"Yes," Kyuubi said, searching inside the black box and retiring a book from it. "Here it is."

"The Evil Overlord List?" Naruto asked, reading the cover.

"It's a manual how NOT to make stupid mistakes, like using death traps when can just nuke the heroes with the superweapon you just stole," Kyuubi said. "Tomorrow, you will be interrogated on it."

"You mean… that I have homework?" Naruto groaned.

"Yes," Kyuubi chuckled sadistically. "And after that… we will try to find the story's hero. It will be a long, hard search where we shall unveil many mysteries…"

"It's Sasuke. The whole story is geared to make him win no matter what."

"Bullshit. There's no way you called it so _quickly!_"

"He's the last Uchiha, he's got every girl in the class, he's the best student, he has a tragic back story, and he's _literally_, tall, dark, and handsome. In fact, he fits under the _strong, silent type_, too. Am I on to anything, here?"

"…well, damn! You ruined the drama."

"Not my fault it's so easy."


End file.
